


The Pros and Cons of Childhood Torture

by MetaVirus



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Past Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 07:33:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2059419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaVirus/pseuds/MetaVirus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Childhood torture has it’s pros and cons. What Killua did know is no matter what the pros are, he’d much rather never have experienced it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pros and Cons of Childhood Torture

**Author's Note:**

> Short drabble. Hints of Killugon but focuses on other stuff.

                Having been tortured since childhood had it’s pros and cons. Pros being the ridiculous pain tolerance you achieve over time, increased stamina, ability to dissociate from your body, and a general understanding of torture etiquette. Cons of torture training were the after effects: the nightmares, the panic attacks, the triggers… Of course the Zoldyck family made sure to address these issues as soon as they arised. Afraid of touch due to excessive beatings? They’ll start small, grazing of fingers or a hand on the shoulder. That is, until the reactions subside. Next will be ruffling the hair and touching the arm etc. It’s very similar to the torture training itself, slowly desensitizing the body even if it does still cause a reaction in the mind. The important part was to not let that reaction get past the surface.  
                Killua was always shivering. He used to curl in a ball with his teeth chattering and his shoulders shaking uncontrollably after a session. As time passed he slowly began to smother the shivers that wracked his body. He was shaken, but outwardly he seemed anything but. Soon even tears didn’t grace his face during or after. He was tired of shedding them so one day he stopped, no use in wasting his time as a sobbing wreck.  
  
                Being with Gon has let Killua experience all the things he’s ever wanted. Killua gets to explore, laugh, and most importantly: not kill. Killua likes Gon because he’s his speed. Any other person would fall behind Killua, but not Gon because they each enjoy the same pace. Killua thinks that the word for how he feels is happiness. Gon makes him happy.  
                The problem with this happiness is it’s stark contrast with the majority of Killua’s past. Each day he grows more angry with his family. Each day he also fears them a little more. He can take torture, he can take pain, but he doesn’t want to experience it again. This happiness forces the untouched memories he thought were common place to show them in context. Killua thinks that the word for what he experienced while training to be an assassin is misery.  
  
                Every now and again he’ll have a nightmare or something will remind him of an unpleasant experience. He very rarely had panic attacks and now they’ve, for the most part, subsided. Gon’s presence is forcing him to work through his memories but each day he feels a little better because he’s getting  further from his family and closer to Gon (to happiness). On the odd occasion his hands start shaking he’ll shove them deep into his pockets; no one needed to know that he was not fearless. He sometimes felt really happy knowing Gon was sort of stupid and dense, but sometimes he wished he would notice. Killua didn’t want Gon to know, but he also wanted to confide in his best friend.  
                Killua would definitely spill something if Gon were to ever ask, but for now he was content biding his time. Killua knew that it was unhealthy for him to keep this from Gon. Killua knew that he should tell him but his pride and self-consciousness won out on logic. Even though Killua felt misery through his memories, they also allowed him to appreciate his time with Gon all the more.  
  
                Childhood torture has it’s pros and cons. What Killua did know is no matter what the pros are, he’d much rather never have experienced it.

**Author's Note:**

> I really doubt that the torture Killua went through as a child had no effect on his psyche. I really hope this kind of thing is acknowledged by Togashi in the series.
> 
> I feel like Killua would hide the fact that he's haunted by what happened to him over the years but I think that if Gon ever gave him the chance he would definitely tell him, but probably only piece by piece (not all at once).


End file.
